Pardon Me While I Catch My Breath
Genesis 2:7
Over a decade ago, I fell into a very dark hole. I was isolated and alone. I built a home for myself. It was crafted out of darkness and hurt and condemnation. Its foundation was set in a desert and I was as barren as the land around me.
I was toxic. I felt the poison flowing in my veins. There was a burning that I lived with moment to moment – day to day. One day my body shut down. I woke up and I could not walk. Excruciating pain surged through my body. I was afraid. I sought medical attention and was poked and prodded and tested until the physicians finally concluded that there was no reason for my pain.
I remember my pastor coming to me one Sunday and saying “Becky – your bitterness is killing you. Please get some help.” I did. I started a journey of counseling. I started a journey of physical healing. I started of journey of spiritual awakening.
I was finally diagnosed with fibromyalgia, but the diagnosis was only the beginning. There was an incredible process that took place. I was like a small child going through stages of growth. As I was going through pain management classes, I had to be taught to breathe again. I discovered that when we are in pain we stop breathing. Next time you are in a heart-wrenching situation or in physical pain, stop and check yourself. More than likely, you will find that you have stopped breathing. We hold our breath so we can focus on the pain. Starting to take deep cleansing breaths was a chore. It hurt and I had to learn to relax to be able to get that oxygen deep into my body.
It is interesting to me that just a few short weeks before this process began I had written a song called “Fresh Air”. It was like my mind and spirit were trying to tell me what my body couldn’t.
“Gasping for my breath
My head is exploding
The air is foul
It is choking my soul
Waiting to release
This death I am holding
Wanting to breathe all the air I can hold“
At the same time I was learning to breathe, I had to learn to walk again as well. As the pain in my body started releasing, I was able to begin this next stage of the process. When we started, I could not walk
from our house to the mailbox at the end of the driveway. Every day I would take a few more “steps” toward my physical recovery. After working for two months, I was finally able to walk ¼ of a mile to the church on the corner of our street.
The spiritual journey took the rest of the energy I could scrape from my day. I spent hours in my chair in the corner of our living room calling out to God to meet me and heal me. The intimacy with which He came and met me in those hours is still amazing to me. I had to shut out the rest of the world to get alone with the lover of my soul. Only when He met me there did I feel alive. It was in these moments that He breathed into me and I became a living soul.
Though these days were difficult and traumatic, they brought me back to a place of strength and health that has sustained me through subsequent trials in my life. I know beyond any doubt that God is the lover of my soul and that He will never leave me or forsake me.
Today I am sharing this section from the blog because I think it is important for me to remember from whence I came. There was so much "life" that came at me in 2012. There were many times that I was tempted to allow that same bitterness to creep back in. But I am familiar with that path and I know where it leads. Life has really not gotten any easier since those days. But I am a different person. I made the choice to live.
I also have a sense that someone who reads this, is struggling with "catching their breath." When I wrote this blog, I was in the middle of our divorce. I found myself on many days recognizing that I was not breathing. I had a choice in those moments. Drink deeply and take life into my lungs or just stop and end it all. But I had already wasted so much time giving my heart to the pain. And I knew that God had created me for a purpose - though in that moment I could not have told you what it was. But I wanted to taste and see for myself what was ahead.
They say that hindsight is 20-20. The window I am looking back through is clear and plain. God has shown me who I am. He has shown me a glimpse of what He created me for. I know I am not done. I know YOU are not done. Your glass may be cracked right now. You may have the smudges of life keeping you from seeing clearly. But I believe for you that God has a plan. Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Trust it. Trust Him. Take a deep, cleansing breath and trust that life will return.
Full lyric to "Fresh Air" is on a tab at the top of the page. As always, if you would like a copy of the audio, comment and let me know your email address so I can send it.